I came across this article that I like:
‘Another lonely Christmas’
We sat by the swiming pool under the stars, holding hands and chatting about everything except what we felt for each other. What was unsaid was more significant than what was said.
After an hour, my composure cracked. I asked, ”What do you want?”
”Nothing at all. I cannot tell you what to do. You are a very eligible girl - young, pretty, smart — but I am afraid of getting hurt again,” he replied, brushing a wisp of stray hair from my face.
He was speaking in riddles that only men are capable of deciphering. The ghosts of relationships past were creeping up on us. My mind raced: Does he want me to exorcise them, ignore them or accept them?
Somehow I didn’t ask; he didn’t tell.
I had my own fears, too, that night, but I momentarily suspended them.
Reasoning that you do not want to have a relationship because you are afraid of getting hurt is like reasoning you do not want to learn swimming because you are afraid of drowning.
Such a problem can never be resolved. I deserve someone more emotionally available. So my parting shot to him was, ”Let’s remain friends.”
I went home, popped a Valium pill and fell asleep.
I woke up stranded in a familiar limbo, somewhere between practicality and sentimentality, cynicism and idealism. I felt weary. Most of all, I felt helpless.
Why am I born so needy and dependant, ever pining for a man to share my life, and, as one reader pointed out, ever reaching out despite finding myself utterly alone in the end each time?
And if I am so eligible, why am I still single?
For the rest of the day, I busied myself with Christmas shopping. As I traipsed around Orchard road with carols ringing in the air, my leggy friend Shirley by my side and a bigger budget than I needed, I tried to convince myself that I was enjoying the freedom of singlehood until a pair of his-and-hers Guess watches in a gift box caught my eye. My heart ached that I had no one special to give the men’s watch to.
For all the dancing lights of Christmas, the season is a dull, dim one for some singles.
Being lonely does not get easier with age and practice. In fact, I think it gets harder, but we become better at corralling it. When our carefully constructed emotional stability is threatened, we immediately become defensive and and make a pre-emptive strike. I guess this was another reason that I shrugged my shoulders in indifference, forced a smile and told him we should stay friends.
Yet, hope lingers. The truth is, I want someone to grow old with, someone exclusive to share my everyday ups and downs, and, yes, to have children with.
My heart will sing each time I think of such a man. Days will be happier, colours will be brighter and champagne more sparkling because I have him in my life. I have been on countless dates. I am tired, unbearably, excruciatingly heart-wrenchingly tired. Where is he? Does he even exist?
Uncategorized | Comment (0)I am not in a good mood today. I dun like doing things which I am not confident in. Let me give you an example. You bought a sweet/sexy top for some special night with your bf. It was not wat you’ll usually do but you just decided to give him the best lapdance/massage/________(fill in watever you like) that particular night. And then when you did that, your bf laughed/dozed off. You end up feeling frustrated/angry/sad/blarblarblar. Ok, the situation isn’t anything like that scenario, not that I am not good(or bad)/dun like lapdance/massage, nor buying a top which looks stupid enough for my guy to ridicule. Anyway, there isn’t such man I can do that to currently despite looking like I am dating excessively. I am just feeling like wat I had described.
To make myself feel better, I had 2 salmon sashimi, 1 hotate sashimi, gyoza, chawanmushi, tako yaki, tempura cheese maki at lunch. Two hours later I had mushroom soup, fries, choco freckles something ice-cream and a big yoghurt drink at swenson.
One hour before I am typing this at 1a.m, I went Shop ‘n’ save alone and got cornflakes, choco milk, frozen chicken nuggets, 3 yoghurt dessert, vitagen, potato chips, maggie mee, 2 campbell and the dettol laundry wash.. Just picture all these you can imagine how upset/frustrated I am. Carried all those back myself.. wanted to buy more but I’m worried that I can’t get them back.
Ok. I am going to start my food therapy again.
Uncategorized | Comment (0)Xmen 3 is a nice show.. and you really have to sit through the whole show because there’s something at the end.. and it doesn’t make sense. Oh well.
I just found out that my sis has started drinking. I mean it is legal for her to drink, but I just dun like the idea of her drinking, despite me just puking after a night out at double o yesterday. I had beer, and then some ‘Raspberry classic sugar’ or something like that, more than 12 shots of it, and then the awful barcardi 151 that Mr Sng ordered to make me puke. I met this sweet pretty thing from korea yesterday(couldn’t post her pic up coz I look too red in contrast after drinkin), and she’s 1.75m tall. Man. I never had any galfren who is as tall as she. For once I felt really tiny.. which is good coz I finally felt like a lil gal that needs protection, and Mr darren sng was taking care of me throughout the night. =) and thanks to his fren andy for understandin(the wat sit behind so i can be taken care of). Haha. Oh well.
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I hope it doesn’t have to go all the way till Z before I can really count on someone.. and is it really that difficult to keep things simple and loving?
Uncategorized | Comment (0)I can’t help but think that charming guys and devotion dun go together. Do they?
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Anyway, I almost step on a lizard in the kitchen just now. I almost screamed! If it was a cockroach, I wouldn’t have such a big reaction. But it’s a freaking lizard! So slimy! Ewww! I hate lizards! I’m always scared that it may drop from the ceiling or the wall, or it’s tail or legs will drop off, or the tongue may drop off. I am usually braver than my gals when they see dogs or cats or cockroach or spider. I’ll just walk over calmly. But it’s a lizard now! Lizard! Lizard!
I am going to tip top to my bed and sleep now. Good night! (I even checked my walls to make sure there are no lizards!)
Uncategorized | Comment (0)School today. Lecture on Emotional and Behavioural Disorder.
Flashbacks. Spent the rest of my day sulking. I wouldn’t let the same thing happen to my child.
Leslie made me smile via msn at night… Blowing his big hair with a hairdryer and stuffing a comb in. =)
Thanks.
A month since I blogged. Not that I was very busy/ dunno wat to write/ occupied with dating/ unhappy or watsoever. Just didn’t feel like it. Alright. Back with some updates.
Went prawn fishing on friday with Colin. Been out with him quite a lot for the past month. Pool, movies, lotsa dinner and supper(we keep eating unhealthy food), chilling out at Altivo and this new cosy place- Giraffe, teaching him how to cook, blarblarblar. Ok. back to prawn fishing at cck. It’s my first, and his first time as well. He left me there for the washroom after he put cockles on the hook as the bait. So off to fish alone. In less than 3 mins, i got my first prawn! I kept swinging the rod around and I din even know I had caught one until i felt like changing another fishing spot. I am so pro.
Nope. I’m not the one who caught this big monster prawn. Colin was playing around with the rod as well, and when he lifted the rod up, he hooked the tail of the poor sleeping prawn at a corner. Suay prawn, and check it out! It’s actually bigger than the normal crayfish that you eat at Newton Circus!
Our fishing session ended at 3am after 3 long hours. Went to bbq the prawns that we caught. And you’ll never believe this. The bloody monster prawn took us more than 1 and a half hours to cook it!!! By the time we gobbled up the rest of the prawns it’s still cooking. In the end we threw it away. Damn wasted, but we couldn’t care anymore.. Waiting any longer we’d have slept by the pond.
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