I like plastic flowers and drawings like this.. They are sufficient to make my day. =)

Love is like an onion.You peel it back layer by layer and when you get to the centre, there is nothing but you are crying. I read this somewhere.. and I liked it alot.

All my life I’ve been searching for someone to love me. When I was young I wanted the attention from my parents, so much so that I wished that I was the sickly one so that my mum could sleep beside me and not my sis when I’m ill. And then when I grew older, I still wished that I’d get sick every now and then. Coz it would mean that my bf or any guy will care for me, buy me panadol, feed me porridge and tuck me to sleep. Now I no longer harbour that thought. My parents are worried when I’m sick, but they’ll only tell me to take medication and ask the next day if I’m feeling better. I am expected to eat medicine and then cover myself with blanket, because I am old and responsible enough for my own health. In fact, I dislike falling sick now. The wat sick already will have bf to take you to doctor and then forbiddin you to eat fried chicken and drink coke and then accompany you home and stay for the night and wake up in the middle of the night to change your towel and insist that you eat medicine and then tuck you to sleep with 2 blankets without having the aircon on is a legend to me. It never happen to me, despite the countless relationships or not relationships I had. I can only remember them saying aiya you can take care of yourself one and drink more water. The only bf who treated me well never had a chance to do that coz I was hardly ill when we were together. Now, when I’m ill, I’d take medication on my own. The faster I get well, the less pathetic I’d feel when nights are cold and lonely.

I seriously cannot remember how many guys had come in and out of my life. It’s so darn many that I got scared when I tried to count. I used to hate the idea why two people can be so close for a moment, taking pics every date, joking and teasing each other, holding hands and feeling the magical touch of the first kiss, and then one day later one of them decided not to call the other anymore, and there they go, out of each other’s life. Now I tell myself it’s only natural and I shall move on.

I can’t help but ask my fren wat quality that a gal in a commited relationship had that I dun? Was it because of my skirts when I clubbed frequently or was it because I looked like I like dating more than commiting? I am most willing to settle down for a great guy who’ll be generous– sharing his life with me. Not being in a relationship does not mean that I dun put in efforts in a guy that I like or I am not worthy enough for any guy’s liking. I am not whining bout why there is no such guy in my life.. and in fact I already dun expect a guy to be the one when I allow him to kiss me good night. I felt disgusted everytime I blog or tell my sisters bout a new love *note- new love, not a date with fren*, how well it went and how much potential there is in something exclusive, and then tell them the next moment it is not possible coz the guy cannot settle down, or I am not the sort of gal he’ll go head over heels in love but find it ideal to have sex, and watever familiar excuses that you usually get. I really feel disgusted. So much so that I no longer go into the happy mushy details like how he brush my stray hair off my face gently with his index finger while holding on to me hand in hand. I got tired of telling them the happy stuff, and when it ends I had to tell them why the happy times went unhappy. That happened too frequently. I guess I am too free, that is why I’m forever occupying my thoughts with ‘when love will come’. My career is not established as well, and why can’t I focus on that instead? My self-worth doesn’t require a second person to determine isn’t it? Perhaps love will come when least expected, to someone who is in control of her life and bringing happiness to everyone around her. =)

Someone’s gonna break that vicious cycle. Why not you?

As requested, I am going to blog bout wat I did last thursday. This secretive person dun wan me to put his name here so I am just going to name him *oo*. Ok. Back to wat happened.

It was *oo*’s birthday.. and I only got to know bout that at msn on the actual day, around eight plus if I can remember. I was like ‘huh so poor thing bday at home…’, and then I decided to be a super good angelic fren and asked him whether he needed someone to get him a cake. He said he’ll go bathe first, and only came back to msn around 10+ close to 11 and asked me where to meet. Fortunately he lives pretty near my place and we arranged to meet up around 1130, to get him a cake.

Since it was a last minute decision, and there was no cakeshop nearby that’s still operating, I suggested going to Cheers and get the Sara Lee cake. I like chocolate, so we got the chocolate one.. Haha. Dunno whose bday was that. Anyway, it was quite ridiculous to have Sara Lee as a bday cake, but I thought it was quite sweet of me to even suggest cutting cake and sing bday song for him. If not for me, he’ll have one less wish this year. Hee. Ain’t I sweet? *beams* Anyway, after getting the cake, we walked around to get plastic knives and candles. We couldn’t get any god-damn candles after asking cheers, shop ‘n’ save, prime supermart and 7-11… It was close to 12 when we wanted to give up and I suggested buying cigarettes or matchsticks. At the end, only 7-11 have matchsticks(Phew, I cannot imagine cigarettes on Sara Lee cake. Ewww..) So we walked to a secluded spot, no la, just a normal ah gong ah ma chill out place, and then proceeded to light the sticks.

26 matchsticks on the cake. Haha.. my idea quite disgusting right? Anyway we din eat that portion with the sticks. Too gross. Haha.

The cake after lighting. Check out the fire! So damn cool ok!

So while the fire burned crazily, I sang the song very softly, in contrast to the fire. I’m shy. Never really sang a bday song to a guy one to one.

Nothing interesting happened after the cutting cake. I ate more than him(dunno whose bday was it)… and then he sent me home at 1230.

That was how *oo*’s birthday went.. and I hope he liked wat I had arranged with the time I had. =)

I went momo with fransca yesterday… and there’s this guy who asked me something. It was exactly the same question that my good galfren’s date had asked long time ago.

He questioned me at the dancefloor, ”Are you the materialistic kind of gal?”

Which gal will say yes? Less than 10% of us I think, watever the reason may be. I mean the gal may be materialistic and she can just lie and say she’s not and then find her way through to suck the well dry, or the gal may say no and you wouldn’t believe her words just because it doesn’t tally with the mini skirt she is wearing.

I replied, ”If a gal say no, does it mean that you will not work hard and provide her or yourself with a better future?”

And then he’s got nothing left to say. I dun care whether he’s put off by wat I say. What he had questioned me had already put me off in the first place. What kind of guy will ask that question when he had known her for less than an hour? Surely you’d like to know her better yourself than putting her off in the first place isn’t it?

I dun mind eating bread with my love one until things get better.

I came across this article that I like:

‘Another lonely Christmas’

We sat by the swiming pool under the stars, holding hands and chatting about everything except what we felt for each other. What was unsaid was more significant than what was said.

After an hour, my composure cracked. I asked, ”What do you want?”

”Nothing at all. I cannot tell you what to do. You are a very eligible girl - young, pretty, smart — but I am afraid of getting hurt again,” he replied, brushing a wisp of stray hair from my face.

He was speaking in riddles that only men are capable of deciphering. The ghosts of relationships past were creeping up on us. My mind raced: Does he want me to exorcise them, ignore them or accept them?

Somehow I didn’t ask; he didn’t tell.

I had my own fears, too, that night, but I momentarily suspended them.

Reasoning that you do not want to have a relationship because you are afraid of getting hurt is like reasoning you do not want to learn swimming because you are afraid of drowning.

Such a problem can never be resolved. I deserve someone more emotionally available. So my parting shot to him was, ”Let’s remain friends.”

I went home, popped a Valium pill and fell asleep.

I woke up stranded in a familiar limbo, somewhere between practicality and sentimentality, cynicism and idealism. I felt weary. Most of all, I felt helpless.

Why am I born so needy and dependant, ever pining for a man to share my life, and, as one reader pointed out, ever reaching out despite finding myself utterly alone in the end each time?

And if I am so eligible, why am I still single?

For the rest of the day, I busied myself with Christmas shopping. As I traipsed around Orchard road with carols ringing in the air, my leggy friend Shirley by my side and a bigger budget than I needed, I tried to convince myself that I was enjoying the freedom of singlehood until a pair of his-and-hers Guess watches in a gift box caught my eye. My heart ached that I had no one special to give the men’s watch to.

For all the dancing lights of Christmas, the season is a dull, dim one for some singles.

Being lonely does not get easier with age and practice. In fact, I think it gets harder, but we become better at corralling it. When our carefully constructed emotional stability is threatened, we immediately become defensive and and make a pre-emptive strike. I guess this was another reason that I shrugged my shoulders in indifference, forced a smile and told him we should stay friends.

Yet, hope lingers. The truth is, I want someone to grow old with, someone exclusive to share my everyday ups and downs, and, yes, to have children with.

My heart will sing each time I think of such a man. Days will be happier, colours will be brighter and champagne more sparkling because I have him in my life. I have been on countless dates. I am tired, unbearably, excruciatingly heart-wrenchingly tired. Where is he? Does he even exist?

I am not in a good mood today. I dun like doing things which I am not confident in. Let me give you an example. You bought a sweet/sexy top for some special night with your bf. It was not wat you’ll usually do but you just decided to give him the best lapdance/massage/________(fill in watever you like) that particular night. And then when you did that, your bf laughed/dozed off. You end up feeling frustrated/angry/sad/blarblarblar. Ok, the situation isn’t anything like that scenario, not that I am not good(or bad)/dun like lapdance/massage, nor buying a top which looks stupid enough for my guy to ridicule. Anyway, there isn’t such man I can do that to currently despite looking like I am dating excessively. I am just feeling like wat I had described.

To make myself feel better,  I had 2 salmon sashimi, 1 hotate sashimi, gyoza, chawanmushi, tako yaki, tempura cheese maki at lunch. Two hours later I had mushroom soup, fries, choco freckles something ice-cream and a big yoghurt drink at swenson.

One hour before I am typing this at 1a.m, I went Shop ‘n’ save alone and got cornflakes, choco milk, frozen chicken nuggets, 3 yoghurt dessert, vitagen, potato chips, maggie mee, 2 campbell and the dettol laundry wash.. Just picture all these you can imagine how upset/frustrated I am. Carried all those back myself.. wanted to buy more but I’m worried that I can’t get them back.

Ok. I am going to start my food therapy again.

Xmen 3 is a nice show.. and you really have to sit through the whole show because there’s something at the end.. and it doesn’t make sense. Oh well.

I just found out that my sis has started drinking. I mean it is legal for her to drink, but I just dun like the idea of her drinking, despite me just puking after a night out at double o yesterday. I had beer, and then some ‘Raspberry classic sugar’ or something like that, more than 12 shots of it, and then the awful barcardi 151 that Mr Sng ordered to make me puke. I met this sweet pretty thing from korea yesterday(couldn’t post her pic up coz I look too red in contrast after drinkin), and she’s 1.75m tall. Man. I never had any galfren who is as tall as she. For once I felt really tiny.. which is good coz I finally felt like a lil gal that needs protection, and Mr darren sng was taking care of me throughout the night. =) and thanks to his fren andy for understandin(the wat sit behind so i can be taken care of). Haha. Oh well.

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I hope it doesn’t have to go all the way till Z before I can really count on someone.. and is it really that difficult to keep things simple and loving?

I can’t help but think that charming guys and devotion dun go together. Do they?

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Anyway, I almost step on a lizard in the kitchen just now. I almost screamed! If it was a cockroach, I wouldn’t have such a big reaction. But it’s a freaking lizard! So slimy! Ewww! I hate lizards! I’m always scared that it may drop from the ceiling or the wall, or it’s tail or legs will drop off, or the tongue may drop off. I am usually braver than my gals when they see dogs or cats or cockroach or spider. I’ll just walk over calmly. But it’s a lizard now! Lizard! Lizard!

I am going to tip top to my bed and sleep now. Good night! (I even checked my walls to make sure there are no lizards!)

School today. Lecture on Emotional and Behavioural Disorder.

Flashbacks. Spent the rest of my day sulking. I wouldn’t let the same thing happen to my child.

Leslie made me smile via msn at night… Blowing his big hair with a hairdryer and stuffing a comb in. =)

Thanks.

A month since I blogged. Not that I was very busy/ dunno wat to write/ occupied with dating/ unhappy or watsoever. Just didn’t feel like it. Alright. Back with some updates.

Went prawn fishing on friday with Colin. Been out with him quite a lot for the past month. Pool, movies, lotsa dinner and supper(we keep eating unhealthy food), chilling out at Altivo and this new cosy place- Giraffe, teaching him how to cook, blarblarblar. Ok. back to prawn fishing at cck. It’s my first, and his first time as well. He left me there for the washroom after he put cockles on the hook as the bait. So off to fish alone. In less than 3 mins, i got my first prawn! I kept swinging the rod around and I din even know I had caught one until i felt like changing another fishing spot. I am so pro.

Nope. I’m not the one who caught this big monster prawn. Colin was playing around with the rod as well, and when he lifted the rod up, he hooked the tail of the poor sleeping prawn at a corner. Suay prawn, and check it out! It’s actually bigger than the normal crayfish that you eat at Newton Circus!

Our fishing session ended at 3am after 3 long hours. Went to bbq the prawns that we caught. And you’ll never believe this. The bloody monster prawn took us more than 1 and a half hours to cook it!!! By the time we gobbled up the rest of the prawns it’s still cooking. In the end we threw it away. Damn wasted, but we couldn’t care anymore.. Waiting any longer we’d have slept by the pond.